I have no feelings.

I do not cry when someone dies. Even if they are my family.

I do not become sad when someone is hurt.

I do not know how to console.

I do not help someone struggling.

I do not save people when I can.

I do not speak when I must.

I don't know ........

It's weird.

I know it is.

My friends say that I am cool. That - I am unique and do not let emotions win but they are wrong. They - They don't understand. Controlling and winning over emotions is a different thing from feeling anything.

I can not feel a single thing! I try but I can not .

Many times I see others crying through sadness , through pain , through loss but what do I do sitting them ?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I just stare at the person and the other person who is trying to comfort and the most worst part is that - it works.

When people console others , it works.

But when I try to do something it just doesn't come out.

Few years ago , when my granny died my aunt, who is barely a decade older than me , was crying and I tried to console her.

I hugged her but it felt forced. Even she couldn't clutch onto me and cry like the way she did the other second when my uncle came and hugged her along with his little daughter.

She clutched onto the little girl and cried her eyes out and that was the day I realised how empty I was and how hollow I am.

Even a small child could console her but me?

* Chuckle *

And this wasn't once. Since then I have noticed that whatever happens , I simply do not feel sad.

When I was a teenager , I started living in a hostel , away from my parents. What I thought was that I'd miss and cry for my parents like the others but...... No. I was simply enjoying it.

I never cried. Not a lone tear escaped my eyes at the thought of leaving my parents or staying away from them.

Moreover , I started to self loathe - hard. Because I never wanted to cry or I couldn't get sad remembering family.

It just never happened.

And now , in present , when I am getting married to a man whose wife has died four years ago and has an six year old daughter , I must feel sad or terrible for being the second choice or for being forcefully married to a man decade older than me but it just - it doesn't effect me.

I honestly don't care.

People said , my friends as well , that I should talk to parents , that I should tell them that I can not marry a widower , that their greed is far smaller than my life ahead , that I deserve to live a happy life , that I deserve love but ......

I couldn't.

Because I don't believe that whatever my friends said was true.

What have I done to deserve love?

Why shall I stay happy?

How can my life be better than marrying a multi-billionaire?

Actually , it's a good thing that I am being married into such a great family.

They are famous in not only the state but also the country , they have good people. A joint family and a kid .

' But he is a widower. ' Ramya debated. She was so much against the marriage. And the negation is still lingering in her eyes as she watches me from afar , standing with my other friends.

' It's fine. He isn't divorced , at least. ' I had answered calmly.

' he has a daughter! ' Akash had exclaimed sitting beside Ramya before looking around because we were in a restaurant at that time.

I still remember the day they got to know that I am getting married. All were shocked and horrified because of the typical extras that I kept on adding about the family I was getting married into.

' Buy one get one free. Great deal though.' Siddharth whom we all call ' Sid ' , spoke.

Only me and Sid laughed. Others had a scowl.

' She is six fuckin' years old! ' Rudra gritted his teeth and I frowned. ' You shouldn't swear. '

' And she hates Meera. ' My younger sister , Sara mumbled.

' Already? ' there was shock on their face when I told them that this is a forced marriage and not even the man I am marrying wants to marry me - or anyone.

' why? '

' Because he still loves his dead wife and so does the daughter. ' I said.

' Then why the hell are you marrying him ? Why are you being compelled ? What's your problem? Why you , damn-it! ' Akash questioned and even though his voice was getting louder , he didn't care. No one sitting around me did.

After that , Sara had explained how our parents have arranged this marriage and how even though the guy wasn't ready for this, he has to do it just like me.

My thoughts are shoved aside when I feel a cold thing at the parting of my hair.

I look beside me and meet two dark eyes already gazing at me. His hand is up and I know what this means.

But before I can understand much , I feel a light feathery dust fall on my nose and a heaviness settles into my stomach.

A loud laughter goes through the crowd but I do not know what they say.

I cannot hear nothing right now. There is only my heart that I can hear and it is thumping so loud that it's the only thing that I can hear.

What is this?

Am I dying?

Or am I scared?

But why?

Nothing like this has ever happened.

Oh , it's so strange.

My eyes are now at the burning law . Its glowing orange. It's heat reaching my face. The cackles from now and then and the small sparks that ignite when a burning stick breaks , does something to me.

It's like I am floating into heavy air. It's taking me somewhere into suffocation and I can only stay still. It's devouring me and I can only stare.

It's killing me and I can only wait.

After a few more minutes and mantras his arms are around my neck. I gaze up at him again and this time , when he is making me wear the Magalsutra , I can observe the same heat reflecting in my eyes from the pyre in his.

They are fiery. Red and dark.

He isn't making me his wife , he is taking me into a choke hold. I can feel it.

His fingers are digging into my skin. The veil above my head cannot show what he is doing beneath it

He is hurting me.

Leaning closer , as if he is still tying the Magalsutra , his deep and barely above a whisper voice , rolls over me like a spiky ball. " You could've stopped this. But - you chose this. Now , I will make you pay for it. "

He moves away. A fake smile curving his lips.

What all see as a smile is what I see as a curse.

A curse that probably I deserve.

Why not ?

I am getting into his and his daughter's peaceful life.

I should regret it. I deserve no happiness.

But again - I am not sad.

I look up at him ; the fury in his eyes burning like hatred.

" I do not expect any better either. "

And I do not feel hurt at all.